She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
