I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
