A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
