I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
