And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
