if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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