I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
