I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
