I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
