is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
