she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
