I wannas sexs uuuuu
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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