we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
