Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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