Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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