How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
