Cold hands, warm shart.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
