is your mom at the bar?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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