I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
