The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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