This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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