you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
