Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
