Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i drank out of a bidet.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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