He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
