Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
