do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
