I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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