Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Couch. On fire.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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