I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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