I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize