My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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