Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
