No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
