Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
