so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Randomize
