ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
