There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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