he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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