News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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