What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
