this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize