My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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