turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
