i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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