I hate all girls vehemently.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize