I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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