I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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