Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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