My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
