I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
