Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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