a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
