i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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