Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
