I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
