I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
